Lack of crunchy surfaces upon which to place spreads such as I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! and butter have always been a problem that the village of Panera has had to deal with. A lack of common sense and bakers led to a lack of breads of any sort early in the history of the village, and villagers were accustomed to eating their peanut butter and jelly out of the jars with spoons.

However, in approximately November of the year 1272, a lone explorer by the name of hanz0 went out into the wilderness. Before long he had managed to free himself from the piranhas on stems common to those parts of the world and wandered into a village. A half burned-down village, as it were. After wandering around for a while, our hero found himself at the epicenter of the explosion, where all that remained of a house was a lone man, a flamethrower, and a plate with a thoroughly torched piece of bread upon it. Approaching the man, hanz0 discovered that this was Edward Toast, and his mission was to make his bread warm and toasty, in order that he might enjoy his breakfast warm rather than room temperature. The intrepid explorer, intrigued, offered his assistance and the two proceeded to cremate the already partially cremated bodies of Toast’s parents. Staring into the flames at the warm and crispy bodies of his parents, Toast suddenly had a revelation. The two worked together to build the original toaster: a grid of iron wire which was heated, upon which bread was dropped to toast it.

After several years hanz0 was called back to his village due to the butter harvest not doing well. He returned bringing the toaster as well as bread and wheat, to the excitement of all of Panera. The Community Eatery Official of Panera, awarded the explorer the newly-forged key to the village. Many years passed during which Panera enjoyed the ability to enjoy crunchy toast with their spreads, and production of bread and bread products became much more efficient. But the Golden Age of toast in Panera village was not to last.

In the year 1290, the robot conquerors of Wonder BreadЉ arrived in Panera. They demanded that the villagers hand over all bread-related products and machinery, and surrender their bread-making techniques. In a meeting with the Head Clown and Military Officer Delaid, the robots threatened to burn the village if their demands were not fulfilled. And this brings us to the main question: what does any of this have to do with the clan? Well, Delaid responded simply, “NO.” Enraged, the robotic overlord shot Delaid several times with his phaser.

Delaid, of course, was an evil clown, and possessed immortality. Despite this, he became a quasi-martyr for the Paneran army and soon the armies of Panera marched on the Wonder Breadian fortress of Castle Greyskull, united under the warcry “NO!”, and led by the two heroes of the village: Delaid, and hanz0.

After an epic twenty-three year siege, the victorious army returned to Panera to find that they had been forgotten utterly. Bitter and weary, the two heroes led their army out of Panera in search of greatness…

And that quest for greatness leads us here, to the present, at this recruiting desk for NO…



Special thanks to Hanz0 for story.