Wait… what?
(*Indicates extra thought recommended.)

*What noise does an ear make?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

*Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

*If a model airplane is made of Styrofoam, what do you ship it in?

You know when you drop buttered toast, it lands butter-side up, and when you drop a cat it lands on its feet? What would happen if you dropped a cat tied with a piece of toast butter-side up?

This sentence is in another language when you aren’t looking.

If you like wasting time, you have just succeeded by reading this sentence.

Press Alt + F4 for a free cookie.

*When you think about it, women do have balls. Actually, a big one split in half.

*If you have balls of steel, odds are that you also need a tetanus shot.

What would happen if there was a Five-hour-and-ten-seconds Energy drink?

If a tree falls in a forest next to a deaf guy, does it make a sound?

What decomposes the decomposers?

I heard a guy got strangled with a cordless phone.

You laugh because I’m weird… I laugh because I just farted.

Hitler could’ve have become an artist, then that means that there would’ve been no Holocaust, then that means Anne Frank could’ve grown up to be a woman, then that means that we probably wouldn’t have had her diary, then that means that we wouldn’t have an inspiration to have in hard times, then that means we could’ve had another Civil War, then that means that I may not have typed this sentence in the first place because I died in the war. So you should hate Hitler for not becoming an artist.

Can a store be open for 25 hours a day?

Mouths are like butt holes: everyone has one and crap comes out occasionally.

Cheetahs eat fast food.

What color does a Smurf turn – oh, screw that.

What color does a mime turn when you scare it?

“I can’t wait anymore!”  “I’ll get to you in a second, hold on.”

Oh yeah?? I’ll put my THREE cents in!

Chuck Norris’s urine has a high energy content, and he decided to sell it commercially. We know this today as Red BullЎ.

*There isn’t not impossibly an anti-non-non-non-existing not non-God.

I’m not running out of sarcastic comments at all!

Kazime magnar inda poadinsk palorad. Unless you know foreign languages, you don’t know if I even said anything at all.

A polar bear at the North Pole. If you know geography, you will find that weird.

What if inside out was outside in?

*There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.

Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?

*Those who run in front of cars get tired; those who run behind cars get exhausted.

You’re only a millionaire until you spend one dollar. Then you’re a $999,999-aire.

*I’m not interested in opening a bank account.

Isn’t nothing a noun, which is something? And something is nothing? But something can be anything… which means anything is nothing and nothing is anything. But anything is something and that leads to meaning nothing being something again. I think something is wrong with nothing which could be anything…

What’s the definition of definition?

.gnitirw sdrawkcaB
What comes above a lightbulb when it has an idea?

*Is it ironic that strident means harsh and they have gum brands named Stride and Trident?

Good luck finding someone that will wish you good luck.

*How do you describe nail sex?

*Turbans are like diapers because they look like one and have crap inside usually.

Liking is one letter away from licking.

Why isn’t there a “cat” device for a computer?
White text is hard to see.
Dogs are man’s best friend because their name is “God” backwards. Cat backwards spells “tac” – it hurts when you sit on it.

*Calculators are stupid. They think 2 + 2 is h.

People say that your terrorist name is your real first name backwards, and your stripper name is the name of your pet and you street name. What would be a stripper-terrorist pet name?

I heard that 90% of all dust in a common household is human skin flakes. No wonder the creepy next-door neighbor was covering her arm in shrinkwrap.

Mike Vick should’ve totally done insect fighting instead. He wouldn’t have gone to jail.

Mission Impossible was clearly possible after all.

*I heard Joe threw out his back trying to shoplift. Joe isn’t too bright.

The word “politics” comprises of two parts: the Greek prefix “poly,” meaning “many,” and “tics,” meaning “blood-sucking insects.”

*Is it awkward that firemen and strippers have something in common?

Gayness is measured in five increasingly gay levels: not straight, wavy, swerving, Richard Simmons, and Prius.

What would happen if someone was driving drunk, texting and talking on a phone, breast-feeding, eating, changing clothes, reading a book, yelling at other drivers, and writing a check?
What if termites were made of wood?

Creativity is half how much crap you can come up with in a certain amount of time and half deranged imagination.

What does Geronimo say when he jumps off of something?

What do cows say when doing a cannonball?

Joe started his first AND last day as an explosives tester today.

LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG DDDDDDDDRRRRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRDDDDDDSSSSSSS WWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAA LLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOTTTTTT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEETTTTTTEEERRSSSSSSS

There shouldn’t be such thing as an Atheist bible. If they want to stay traditional to the cause, call it an Atheist book.

“Nice parachute, used once, never opened. Slight red stain.”

*I would sure hope a man has a Ferrari and not a VW Beetle.

*What would happen if you pulled the whole hand?

If it’s 5:00 somewhere, where is it 5:00 somewhere other than there?

*Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, and today is tomorrow’s yesterday. Yesterday I thought tomorrow would never come until today happened.

THE FUNNIEST THING about this sentence is that you are stuck here reading it and don’t realize it doesn’t say anything until it’s too late to stop reading it and then you finish it without even trying.

I wonder who came up with the name “Blow Pop.”

What’s the first thing that you think of when I say hammer, screw, and bench?


THE FREAKIN’ END