I promised an update, here it is.

I've talked with the new psy for my therapy, i'm officially starting it next monday, and honestly, the first hour I spend with this new psy, made me understand exactly what I had.

What was EXACTLY the causes of all of this

I started to give her a chronology of all of the events, then she started to ask questions, and look to find a cause to my current state and so far this is what she concluded :

I had to deal with such huge amount of stress and fear during the trauma i've been trough, that everytime i'm in a position that is kind of like the one I had when I felt this stress/fear/etc, (Exemple, being exposed , speaking to the class, talking in public, trying to be social, etc) that my brain automatically make me feel the old things I felt in the past, as a defense strategy to force me to flee. She told me that it's a defensive automatism from the brain, and that, sadly it work only on short period of time and it isn't effective on long period of time (my case).

The only thing I need to do, is to do my therapy every week, and work on every fragment of memory to unlock everything and finally do a requiem to be at peace with my past and finally create new connection in my brains to avoid this automatic system of defense.

Might have used some wrong words / etc, pretty hard to explain it even in my mother language, I hope I did an Ok job

Anyway, i'm hoping for the best right now

if you ever want to talk, throw me a pm. hope you break out of it.

Sure,

Honestly going to go there every monday for 2/3 weeks and drop another update

Sounds like you need a place to call home, and to stop moving around countries so much. If you like how music makes you feel, maybe you can learn an instrument.

Also, if you flee from situations that make you scared or uncomfortable, be aware that you may try to flee from therapy if it gets scary, and try not to flee. If for some reason you do quit your therapist, go find a new one. Each one can be very different and maybe you find one that really fits you and helps you.

That's really beautiful how you expressed you want to find someone who ''makes you feel the way music makes does.'' Just remember, to find a person like that, you gotta be brave and meet lots of people, and be kind to them! And you can do that at your own pace... oh, and one more thing, there are multiple people out in the world who can make you feel the way music does, not just one. And there are also multiple hobbies and activities that can make you feel as good as music.

good luck

I'm actually playing Guitar, sometimes I got in it so bad that people can tell my mood by the way I play

On an other side, (And an happy note) , My therapy is over.

I should have a check in one month just to be sure everything is alright in my mind, but at the moment...I feel free ? Light ? Something like this.

You know when you have something that weight on your chest but then suddenly you don't feel it anymore ? The weight is..gone ? I feel like this.

What was my past, is now my history and will never affect me in my everyday life anymore.

I caught myself smiling while walking, waving at people I barely know, introducing myself without hesitation.

I feel like I renewed with myself.

Thank all of you guys for the support you provided, that was amazing, YOU are amazing

Yoooooo that's excellent! I'm super glad i could be of whatever help i may have been of, because seeing someone make a recovery from that kind of mental... Injury, that's absolutely wonderful. Nice going, man! c: