Originally Posted by
piss
im in the ocean getting shark pussy
What follows is a
SȺĐƗSŦƗȻ REVIEW of piss's 5 Star Ratings* on RateYourMusic.Com
A "Sadistic" review is one in which I will be selectively fair and unfair for primarily my entertainment and secondarily for the readers who may or may not be similarly entertained.
* Only choosing to comment on certain albums.
Björk - Post (1995)
Probably not 5 stars. But a decent offering.
CORRECT ANSWER: 3.5 Stars
Daughters - You Won't Get What You Want (2018)
Anthony Fantano
CORRECT ANSWER: 0.5 Stars
Death - Symbolic (1995)
This isn't Death's best album. Moreover, no Death album deserves 5 stars. In a perfect world, I shouldn't even see Death anywhere on the death metal charts. However, I must admit this album has some sentimental value to me, so I won't be too mean.
CORRECT ANSWER: 3.5 Stars
Dream Theater - Train of Thought (2003)
I could say that, out of all Dream Theater albums, it is odd that this one is granted 5 stars (if you HAD to do so... which... obviously not...), but, on the other hand, the fact this isn't "Images and Words" or "Metropolis pt. 2..." shows some level of sentience and individuality: respect!
CORRECT ANSWER: 2.5 Stars
Fishmans - LONG SEASON (1996)
Honestly, a decent execution of the goal of expressing the ambivalence of ordinary Japanese life. Not going to complain much about this one.
CORRECT ANSWER: 4 Stars
KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KIDS SEE GHOSTS (2018)
Anthony Fantano
CORRECT ANSWER: 0.5 Stars
Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly (2015)
Not only is this THE Anthony Fantano album, the fact this has strongly overtaken OK Computer on the all-time list is a testament to the absurd level of frivolousness of the average user.
CORRECT ANSWER: I said 0.5 Stars to the other Fantano favorites in slight jest, but this album produces a deep seated anger within me to where 0.5 Stars, despite being the lowest possible rating, is simply not low enough; I want this album, all copies of its vinyl records, CDs, digital and master copies, to be incinerated and televised for the world to see.
Nails - Unsilent Death (2010)
Fun fact: I was a big fan of this band in high school, particularly 10th grade. I was even known for wearing a Nails hoodie often during the winter months, since it had a somewhat visceral design. I think there's a picture of me wearing it in the school yearbook for that year (pictured with a band of which I was a member at the time, and the yearbook team caught wind of it and organized a picture of us.)
Anyways, years later, I realize there isn't much substance here. Powerviolence is not only a completely barren genre, it's principally misguided as a concept. It's the musical equivalent of a slasher film whose production far exceeds its writing and storytelling.
CORRECT ANSWER: 2 Stars
Nile - Annihilation of the Wicked (2005)
Ironically, what REALLY holds Nile back, at least on this album, is George Kollias' drumming. Even though Karl Sanders's guitar riffs and vocals are ultimately lacking, Kollias' drumming is no help at all. He's probably a pretty good black metal drummer (even his fills are more suitable for black metal!), obviously very fast, precise and technical, but he shouldn't be playing death metal. His style is too low-signal, especially when you have to work with relatively boring riffs and studio mixing that ended up being more harmful than not. But it's shockingly frustrating listening to him play, I'll spare you the details as to why.
CORRECT ANSWER: 2 Stars
Opeth - Blackwater Park (2001)
Go read
the review of this album posted by "necro666" on RYM, it's basically perfect.
Side note: I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold - Bat Country as I write this, and it's WAY better than Opeth... not that I usually listen to Avenged Sevenfold, I just had the idea that this would be more enjoyable than Blackwater Park, and I was right!
CORRECT ANSWER: 1 Star
Run the Jewels - Run the Jewels 2 (2014)
If Killer Mike went on record to say "yeah with Run the Jewels, I wanted to pander to suburban kids and take their money", it'd make a lot of sense.
CORRECT ANSWER: 1 Star
System of a Down - Toxicity (2001)
An important album for its time. The music does a pretty good job at capturing the post-Y2K, post-9/11 zeitgeists and the attributed anxiety, and for that purpose it's pretty well done. I'll only slightly judge you for giving this a 5 star rating.
CORRECT ANSWER: 3.5 Stars
Vektor - Terminal Redux (2016)
Authentically retrieves trash metal themes and attitudes; a spiritual successor to Voivod. I wouldn't rate this 5 stars,
and even though this is something liked by the menace Fantano, I respect this rating.
CORRECT ANSWER: 3.5 Stars
Wu-Tang Clan - Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) (1993)
I don't have any opinions on this album, other than it's something that tells me absolutely nothing about the people who like it, so as a result I find it funny to see where it appears.
FINAL CONCLUSION: Piss, you have some work to do pal. You NEED to become an antisocial, pretentious curmudgeon like me, and only when you do, you'll truly transcend in every subsequent endeavor upon which you embark.
I also just remembered that Fantano gave Unsilent Death a 9... yeah, you need to widen your horizons, pal. Look for some abandoned but lethally autistic blogspots. That's all the help I can give you (without giving you the answers...)
OK... I'll throw you a bone.
Get back to me when you realize this is, at least, a 4.5 ►