Listen closely, for I know perfectly how to celebrate a birthday
First off, you're gonna need a few things;
- A Shovel
- Heavy duty saw (hand or automated)
- A Vehicle with enough storeroom in the trunk
- An acoustic guitar (if you can play it) or otherwise a friend who can
- ~50kg of fertilizer
- at least 10 litres of Gasoline and Propane (in seperate containers)
- A barrel
- 10m of fuse with at least 60min burn time
- Pen And Paper
Alright, you want to start off normal. Go grab your guitar or your friend with his guitar and head to the closest neighbourhood where you could find mexican people in your area. Next, find the cheapest, most run down bar you can find. Don't worry, you're not just there to drink.
Convince the barman to let you (or your friend) play the guitar to entertain the guests. Look out for any females lookign sad/distraught between the age of 21 and 30. You want to try and play sad songs so they feel like you understand them. If you do everything right, they should soon engage with you on their own.
Now to phase two, convince them to get into your car, either consensually or by force (but make sure nobody sees that, yet). Once she's in your car, knock her out for good and place her in the back. Now you need the saw, the barrel and the rest. Using the saw, cut two 15x15cm hole into the side of the barrel, preferrably without removing the top of it. Now use the shovel to put the fertilizer inside, make sure to get as much into the barrel as you can. Now put the gasoline and the propane into each hole, make sure to not open them yet. Done? Check on the girl if she's still out of it, if not, knock her out again.
Next up you drive to the closest official bulding you can find, preferrably of political nature. You wanna place the prepared barrel in the trunk of the car and place one end of the fuse in the gasoline container (make sure its soaked in gasoline) and run it through the barrel and out next to the propane (DO NOT OPEN THE PROPANE CONTAINEr YET). Now park the vehicle somewhere inconspicious but close.
Phase three contains writing a letter with the pen and paper pretendign to be the mexican girl you still have hostage. Write it as if you're mexican yourself, while trying to make the words look like they were written by the girl. Make the note say something along the lines of protest against Donald Trumps campaign and the strive for mexican recognition or something.
Place the note on the girl, then wait until she wakes up and lock her in the car. Make sure you can still light the fuse from outside the car, and that she can't extinguish it.
Light the fuse, and wait ~50 minutes, then call the cops, saying there is a suspicious vehicle at your position, and mention that you think it may be a bomb. The place will be swarming with police in very short time, they will probably manage to break open the car and "rescue" the girl but the bomb will still be there and if they dont manage to diffuse it it will blow. Even if they manage to diffuse it, all signs will point towards her being a mexican extremist acting independently. I should have mentioned this earlier but make sure the girl never sees too much of your face or features, so she will be unable to describe what happened and it will seem like excuses.
Enjoy the ensuing media shitstorm while celebrating your birthday.
Happy Birthday!
