"It occurs to me,
That on this day,
I kiss you softly,
And smile sweetly, // Requires 1 less syllables and replace the word smile. **

I will take you by your hand,
And lead you far away from here,
Pack nothing but your smile,
And we can fly away together,

Through cloud or sky,
Through rain or snow,
We shall find a place,
that we may rest;
Our home,
Our hearts,
Our heaven.

We must call it our eternity;
carry it with you always."

[** Add word 'lovely' / 'lovingly'?]


So like... its my gf's birthday in a month or so and am starting to prepare.
The thing with the carrying eternity is that her present has the words "eternity" engraved onto it.

tbh this is just a place to keep it so i can access and modify it until its needed.
kthnx.

sounds very good, if you don't mind I'll make some comment and criticism? I wont mind if you disregard what I say however if you listen to me I think I can help make a good poem better...

1: the repetition of 'smile' feels a little strange, not sure why.

2: you had a rhythm of:
-line 1, 5 syllables
-line 2, 4
-line 3, 5
then on line 4 it broke as it had 5 syllables, if you could make that 4, it would give a nice feeling to the end of that stanza, also considering the number of syllables in each following stanza could help give more rhythm to the poem and make it easier to read.

The 3rd stanza is very good, I have no criticism for it at all only praise, and the same for the end, I also like the tie in with the present.

so yea, now you can go ahead and ignore me, good day

Good point on repeating smile. I didnt realise i did, and it does feel awkward.
Now what to replace that line with?

Must end in "ly" to help it flow off the tongue, and must be 4 syllables according to you.
Although 5-4-5-5 does work in my mind. Maybe if it were to have another stanza of the same layout it would fit. Maybe not in this then..

No ideas as of yet.



PS: Vox, Need OS. mine no longer works.

Yes, very sweet. Love it as is but...

How about "Packing nothing but your love" instead of smile.
Truthfully it does not rhym but it's cute. Eh?

Edit: You have just given me motivation for a new poem.

Woot! Motivation! xD
How i need some. Stop stealing mine :P

However i have always said the thing i love most about her body is her smile.
I admit the love thing is cuter, but this suits more.

Was going to complain about repetition, but i cant believe i have said love in that poem yet D=

Thankyou~ =3

OMG POETRY!?


AAAAAAAARRGGHHHHHH (runs away)