I haven't played for a couple of years, I get on - every single item is gone! What happened to them?

Also I'm quite certain I used to be a god damn black belt 2nd/3rd dan

There was a rollback some years ago, but that should've have affected your tc/items/qi by much, and you would've remembered it back then. Are you sure you're not on an alt that you made a long time ago?

I can't see anything in your transaction history. Maybe greenscreen is right?

If there was nothing in his history
Then he bought nothing..
Are u sure u had items?
Maybe this is your alt.

Posting it here you properly wont get much help seeing that most of us aren't admins. You should pm Fish or ishi.