Christmas Lottery
Original Post
My Manga (Just Text)
Hey there. So I decided to write a manga a long with some friends. Though the version you are about to read was done by me and CnC was given by ConCon & ExtraZV.
I would like you to give me CnC too. If you are, make sure to highlight the parts in the story your talking about.

Story:
(I need an opener still).
Her hair is a scarlet red which contrasts beautifully with her dark brown eyes that rest peacefully on her natural toned skin. Her small nose is a perfect match for her small ears as they are both similar in size, not to mention her adorable smile. She has small, soft hands, a delicate body and legs as smooth as cherry blossom leaves. What a beautiful day, she thought, as she trudges to school in her thick, red snow boots. She is also wearing red gloves, red earmuffs and a red winter coat along with her uniform. She really liked the color red. She finds it intetesting how it resembles love but also danger.
She decides to take off her earmuffs and place them around her neck so she can take out her headphones and listen to music as she walks down the quiet road that is her route to school. She only manages to do one of those steps as the moment she takes off her earmuffs she feels two arms wrap themselves around her torso as a playful voice says,
"Guess who?" She smiles as she replies,
"Sakura?"
"No, silly. I'm your best friend."
"Oh, then there can only be one person," The voice giggles. "It must be Akira!"
"No, that's your name," The voice steps out to reveal a brightly dressed teenager in blue winter clothing. She has tender, candy blue hair that reaches down to her ass, accompanied by a gorgeous face which set on her light ivory skin that other girls would die for. She shares the same features as Akira, other than the fact her stature is short and she has pacific blue eyes. "I'm Michiko!" She says enthusiastically, while playing with her hair.
"Of course you are." Replies Akira.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Asks Michiko, not sure to be upset or thankful.
"It means there is only one Michiko and she is the best, best friend I have ever had." Michiko smiles at Akira and gives her a big hug. Michiko grabs Akira's hand and they continue their journey like sisters.

Akira and Michiko have been walking for five minutes, chatting about ice-cream. The whole topic got Michiko in the mood for something sweet.
"Shinyuu, can we go to the sweet shop?" She asks, in a soft and innocent voice. Akira replies.
"I don't know, we may not get to school on time." Michiko convinces Akira to go to the sweet shop, it didn't take much effort.
"Please, If we're late I will take the blame." Akira rolls her eyes and gives in.
"Oh okay, let's be quick though." Michiko cheers in excitement and her being happy puts a smile on Akira's face.
When they arrive, the shop owner greets them with a slight bow. It looked like something religious so Akira & Michiko did the same back to show respect. Michiko instantly started selecting a range of gum. Akira went ahead and selected a rainbow of lollipops. They got their money ready to give to the keeper. The keeper just put his hand up, gesturing there was no need to pay.
"Really?, thank you mister." Said Michiko, as she opened her first pack and started chewing.
Last edited by Kradel; Nov 4, 2014 at 07:57 AM. Reason: Update
blue
pink
"...that reaches down to her ass..." I think you need to change the word ass to something else because it changed the tone from 0 to 100 real quick, and it doesn't fit with the rest of your word choice. Also I have a strange feeling this is going to change from a manga to a hentai.
You weirdos should be shipped off to boot camp. /off

I'd say it's pretty boring to be honest. And why is the old perv refusing money? Is he running a charity or something?
Last edited by ynvaser; Nov 4, 2014 at 11:20 AM.
There is a reason he puts his hand down and doesn't speak. Which is what u should be focusing on
blue
pink
throwing random adjectives for no reason is so 2011 dude
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change the character names and post this to fanfiction.net people will love it
Last edited by pusga; Nov 4, 2014 at 03:52 PM. Reason: <24 hour edit/bump
oh yeah
Originally Posted by pusga View Post
throwing random adjectives for no reason is so 2011 dude

it's very late 2011, yes.

in terms of grammar and punctuation, it's fine. you've only given us a snippet of the story, so it's hard to judge it in that area. the characters seem too joyful and happy, which isn't really my thing. I had a hard time reading because I just didn't like them. they seem like a typical cliche manga couple or something... and i'm not sure where the story is going, so... it's hard to CnC really.
manga is better drawn, than written anyway.