Had to write a short story for class. got an A+

http://pastebin.com/cfvEJfNh

its a bit lengthy by internet standards, besides the grammar whats wrong with my story? the slang is colloquial

there might be a few plot holes lmao

"Im probably doing 80 mph and cant even look at my best friends body lying there."
show, dont tell

Regardless of the fact that this is from the perspective of someone who we should see as somewhat...less intelligent. It's still acceptable to be able to describe the actions the character is performing in detail. And, this seemed more or less a narrative of a story, but it's much better to show something with words than to tell something with words. And you seem really afraid of apostrophes, and you should really try to improve your punctuation.

The assignment was actually a narrative, good job. I chose for the story to be told in the first person so I didnt think I should direct it that much (then again im not a writer)

I wasnt paying attention to the contractions.

make an 8 year sentence seem shorter

8 still starts with a vowel

when you're writing shit like that you gotta spell letters as words
8 is eight

Are you serious? You read whole thing just to comment on a single grammatical mistake... "its a bit lengthy by internet standards, besides the grammar whats wrong with my story? the slang is colloquial" Its like you ignored his whole question, just to correct something.



(im not a native so my grammar and terminology are shit)

"The jail bars have always been cold, not even 90 degree weather could make a 8 year sentence seem shorter."
When writing sentences like that make sure they make sense to the reader. I for one dont really understand how 90 degree weather has much to do with the sentence feeling long.
I like that you have a clear structure, you start with showing that the "protagonist" is in jail and then starting actual meat of the story. That way the reader always expects the worst and it gives an omnious tone to the text. The reader wants to know why and how etc.

But then the story kinda picks up and just drifts off. Things happen fast and abruptly. "This black car came out of nowhere, and in a split second Jerome got lit up with 30 shots and I was hit in the shoulder" . I feel like you did a nice job painting a friendship and a bond, but then didn't make anything out of it because of all the gangsta shit happening.
The story had structure and a basic idea. You followed it nicely but I think the plot was a little too big for such a short text. Plotholes dont matter much when you engage the reader in the world of your text. You do that by painting an image to the readers head. You did that quite well in the beginning but then stopped when the action started. I cant comment of the slang being a white Finnish man so gansta talk isnt my strong suite .

Of course the text wasnt on the level of a professional writer but then again thats why you study literature.

As a summary.

Show us, the readers, what you see when you think of those characters. Go into more detail about things such as what the car was like, how Jeromes hair was and what getting shot at felt like. And remember that when you are writing a story dont go too big. Small things are sometimes the best. For a whole plot about gang violence. A short story might be just that, a bit too short.

I think that was the only time I did that, I was busy trying to put ANYTHING on the document and wasnt thinking

not going to quote cowmeats entire post, but thank you. I kinda felt halfway through I didnt have a level of immersion